Special Kitteh

I had a special kitteh. Not special as in the most loving, cutest, most playful… Figaro was literally special. I blame it on being found in a ditch and then kept in a cage at the SPCA for the first eight months of her life causing her brain damage. 

After I picked her out of the dozens of other perfectly normal cats in the SPCA, we brought her home and I pretty sure she didn’t stray from the kitchen for the first few years. Did I mention she had a heart murmur? Ya, I would pick out the special cat with a heart condition. She would stare at the cupboards or sleep in the middle of the floor where she was most likely to get stepped on. 

After she eventually ventured away from the safe confines of the kitchen, she would sleep in the most bizarre spots like on the arm of the couch, in the middle of the stairs. She was very uncomfortable, and always stressed. This was no good for her pre-existing heart condition.

Figaro monitored the food bowl like it was a personal treasure that she had to safe guard like a soldier with a prisoner of war. 

We have this automatic feeder tube because we are a crazy cat family. Figaro would get super stressed out if the food got low in the tube. I mean she wouldn’t leave the tube and wouldn’t stop crying until someone for the love of God and all that is holy filled the tube to the brim. After that she would calm down for about 5 seconds until she found something else to be stressed about.

Her short life ended in an unprovoked heart attack. Go figure. 

The End :3

Cooper aka Foreskin aka Faggot aka Fatty McFatcat aka Wobbles Gut

One summer while working in the ghetto (can I say ghetto? aw fuck it who cares), yes the ghetto, there were two of the most pitiful, stinky, flea infested kittehs that lived under the steps of where I worked.

My coworker and I instantly fell in love. 

After calling my mom and dad separately hoping one would say that I could rescue the poor kitteh, they both said no. I took the kitteh back to my apartment anyway.

I lived with Luke. 

He's rockin'. 

He was adamant all summer that we could not have a kitteh, because I already had several at my parents house in the country. I brought this poor little stinkbomb home, wrapped in a lost box sweater, and went to the store to get him some food and toys. 

Luke came home and although I wasn't there to see it apparently it was love at first sight.There were rainbows and fireworks I'm sure. 

After I took him to the vet, got him not one but two flea baths, medicine, a complete checkup, and a lot of fawning from the vet ladies, I took Cooper The Trooper home on public transit. Yes, I was a crazy cat lady flaunting my craziness for the world to see. I was that girl. 

Luke loved Cooper, or as he and his awesomely loud friends called him; Foreskin. My poor Coopy was unknowingly called a piece of male anatomy for the first month of his life with me.

My living arrangement for the summer was temporary as Luke and I both had to go back to school, so off Cooper went to live with my parents, three other kitteh's, and one overly rambunctious dog. 

I could ramble forever about my rescue kitteh. But I won't. Just know that every member of my family and or friends has a different name for him, including, but not limited to, Faggot. 

The End :3 

The Most Ungrateful Cat That Ever Lived

Ode to the most ungrateful kitteh that ever kitteh'd.

I really love it when you bite my hand when i try to pet you. I especially like it when you grab my hand, bite, and ferociously kick my hand into oblivion. 

Your favourite sleeping spot, aka the fruit basket on top of the diswasher, is most convenient because it's the most high-traffic area of the house and hence most people will try and pet you. You are so smart little Smudgie, because your vortex of hate will surly entrap all who dare to pet your ears.  

It's a good thing you have an internal clock that demands you need love and attention between the hours of 3-4am because how else would our sleep be interrupted? Surely not with safe snuggly dreams in our nice warms beds. 

I'm also really happy that your favourite thing to do while you're all hyper and insane is to hide in the rolled up area rug in the living room. 

I like that you terrorize our other kitteh's as they pass by, and especially when you see a persons feet walk by and you think it's the perfect opportunity to play claw tag. 

We fed you by hand dropper from birth since your mother died, and this is how you show love and appreciation. We all love you for it Smudgie, 

lol JK we effing hate you Smudgie. Go play in traffic. 

The End :3